Sweet Sami

Today I woke up reaching for my sweet Sami, forgetting for one brief moment that she's no longer here. For that one brief, glorious moment my heart was light and full of happiness again and then the crushing truth came. I will never again hold my daughter, or be able to snuggle with her in the early morning hours. I can't breathe in her sweet baby smell, or watch her grow. October 31 is fast approaching, and Sami would have been turning 4. I wonder what costume she would wear for Halloween? For her only Halloween/birthday I dressed her as a blue fairy. She looked so beautiful. It didn't matter that she in the picu or hooked up to tubes and monitors, she still looked so happy. Well, happy unless you dared to take her pacifier away. Lol. Wow, it's amazing how some memories make me laugh and cry at the same time. It's going on 3 years since I lost her but at times, like right now, it feels like only minutes have passed. People say that in time it'll get easier, and that it won't hurt this much forever. Well, guess what... those people are wrong, or they never lost a child. I've lost other loved ones in the past and it is not the same pain, and I know that I will carry this heart ache with me wherever I go. I pretend that I'm ok, and I put a smile on my face, but inside I am slowly dying. People don't want to see the pain, so I will continue to hide it, no matter the cost. This mask I wear will remain, and only a select few will see beneath it. Don't get me wrong, I do have some happiness in my life, and I do still love, but a part of my heart is forever shut off. I have a wonderful man in my life who supports me no matter what, and tries to help me through the bad days, and I have a family who I am learning does love me and is here for me, but even with them I wear my mask. I just feel that it's better this way. I guess that's it for now. I'm sure I'll have more later. Lol